This is such a huge topic. Full of nuance and context for each individual situation. I’ve spent the last two years learning deeply about love from a first hand perspective and I’ll share some key concepts, areas of growth, and important takeaways here.
Love should be like rock on a river bank. Shaped by water and storms over time yes, but remains. When the water recedes it’s still there. Men, learn to be dependable and safe like rock for your wives in the way you love them.
Life’s Most Beautiful Challenge
#1 Thing: The greatest proof, and key to sustaining love through life is turning toward each other always, no matter the situation or the feelings. Never turn away, always toward your partner with a tender and kind heart. Especially in times of conflict or struggle.
Love Stays: Healing happens best inside of relationship, not primarily by looking at ourselves in the mirror. Life and relationship is where the bruises from our past get pressed, and patience and love holds space for healing. Where forgiveness proves itself powerful and other’s mistakes can be let go, for a present love that once seemed impossible.
We: Your problems are my problems. Your fears are my fears to help calm. Your needs are my needs to help meet.
Mirror: We are each others deepest mirrors in a committed life together. Are we being the most loving, kind, healing mirror possible? You know the answer without even thinking about it. If it’s yes, hold onto it no matter the challenges.
Safety: The most important aspect of love for your wife is safety, emotional safety mainly, but physical too of course. Don’t ever lose sight of this men.
Healing: Personal healing and freedom happen mainly inside of a loving relationship, where our bruises get pressed. Healing alone can lead to stuffing feelings or covering up old wounds. They aren’t really healed until they are understood, brought to light, slowly replaced with trusting, lasting love. There is certainly a need for quiet internal work, not everything happens in conversation with your partner. True, lasting healing happens most deeply inside a healthy, loving relationship; not in solitude or aloneness.
Time can create distance from past hurts, but that is not necessarily healing them. They will keep returning until they are actually healed.
Loving The Imperfections: Many think that finding your partner is a process of finding the greatest level of compatibility. I believe the deeper love goes, the more that love finds itself loving the differences and the imperfections of your partner. Not running from imperfections, loving them.
That’s the beauty of loving through imperfection: it fosters empathy, growth, and intimacy. Perfection would be flat, un-connectable, and it’s a myth; imperfection invites us to lean in, to repair, to cherish the uniqueness of each other’s souls. When you find yourself deeply loving and appreciating your partners differences and imperfections, that’s the deepest place of love. When you combine this with many things you do have in common, a love of being together, loving each others laugh and voice, respecting your partners mind and way of thinking, loving games, loving family, seeing political life the same way, loving long walks and hikes, cooking together, taking care of each other, then you’d better do all you can to hold onto that love. It’s he rarest of rare.
One Standard of Beauty: Be each other’s only standard of beauty. Every thought, every desire, every touch, no exceptions no competition. Men especially, never let another standard of beauty enter into your world. Hold onto the one God gave you as if they were the only person on earth, and the affection will grow beyond your wildest dreams.
True Freedom: The key in relationship is balance. Independence/Interdependence/Co-dependence are a spectrum and we want to find ourselves in the middle. Interdependence, where we absolutely need love and want to be in each others lives for richness and joy, but we aren’t smothering each other in co-dependence and we are not pursuing independence to the detriment of our life together. Learn about, understand deeply, and practice this middle ground of interdependence. Where you both are still yourself, but you make each other better together.
Always Learn and Grow: Learn about yourself and your partner every day. The Bible teaches men to love our wives with honor, respect, and deep understanding. Learn and study your partner from both curiosity and love. Our triggers of pain or irritation are invaluable tools for this. Those are the places our heart needs healing and they cannot be revealed any other way than exposed irritation that usually happens from the one we love most. You being offended is not your partner’s issue, that’s their job in life, press on the bruises and love you while you heal. It’s our job to heal men. It’s our job to lead. Learn yourself, learn your partner, and love will grow.
Cover Your Wife: Men be your wife’s cover, always. Be her protector, even if she leans independent. You take the bullet in life men, always.
Attachment Theory: Learn about attachment theory in relationships (Avoidant, anxious etc). These leanings are predictably driving many interactions and confusing moments you will have with your partner. They can absolutely be overcome if both partners are willing, but they take work to understand and shape your heart to love well. Men, learn your wife’s attachment leanings, her trauma, and how they influence her today. You will be better prepared to guard her heart with honor, respect and understanding.
It’s all tied together, and beautifully.
Max
Max
How do our lives speak?
